Birthdays, Milestones, and Motherhood Hell

So this weekend is Deborah's 3rd birthday party. She doesn't actually turn 3 until the following Tuesday, but the celebration is Saturday, of course. She is very excited about her party, and about her birthday. Me - well, I'm not so excited. I am dreading the party. The reason? The toddler bed.

As her birthday present from us, we are replacing her crib with a toddler bed. And this whole concept makes me SHUDDER. And the reason is pure selfishness. That kid goes to bed like a DREAM. I mean it - a DREAM. 8:00 rolls around, and we ask her if she's ready for bed. 99% of the time, her answer is yes. And SPONGEBOB! She must have SPONGEBOB at all costs! Thanks forever to my father-in-law who decided to buy her a TV for her bedroom for her birthday LAST year... and it's a Spongebob TV. Really. Seriously. Shaped and yellow like Spongebob. And how must she fall asleep each night? With a Spongebob DVD. LOL Or, sometimes, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, or, occasionally, Cinderella. And if we had any Dora DVDs, you can guess that she would be wired and wide-eyed with glee at 3am watching the episode of Dora repeat over and over and over again. And yes, call me a horrible mom. But she's usually out by 10 or so... sometimes 10:30. And she's never any trouble. I mean, who can beat that? The twins - well, they watch TV for bedtime, too, but that doesn't stop them from getting out of bed 50 times each night because they need water, or another movie, or hugs & kisses, or another story, or... and THAT is why I SHUDDER at the thought of the toddler bed.

I'm afraid the toddler bed is a curse in my house. I LOVE that Deborah can't get out. I LOVE that she doesn't WANT to get out of her crib. She's my bedtime angel... and she sleeps until 9am if we're quiet enough or if we don't have to get her up for daycare... and my worst fear is that she starts with the same horrible bedtime habits that the twins have.

Please, please, please. Goddess of Motherhood, Father Time, and Mr. Sandman: please don't jinx me.

We're surprising her by setting her new bed up while she is otherwise occupied at her party. So wish me luck, everyone... Saturday night could either be the end of my fear and stress, or it could be the beginning of a whole new motherhood hell...

In the meantime, join me for a toast. To birthdays. To the end of my baby's babyhood. To the beginning of the rest of her life.

Happy third birthday, Baby. Mommy loves you!

UGH, a Countdown.

So, there are many times in life that we count down to certain things. Such as counting down to the weekend. Or counting down to a wedding day, or a birth. Or a retirement. And I think that there are times in life when the countdown begins to define us.

I have begun counting down to a lot of things. And I have never in the past been much of a countdown kind of person. I like to enjoy the life that I live between important or exciting events, rather than allowing it to slip away in the form of a countdown. My last pregnancy may be an exception, but when you are in that much damn pain, I think that it's different. LOL Anyway, so I've found myself counting down to things. The end of my workday. The weekend. My next day off. The next episode of Big Love. My daughter's birthday party. A possible trip to Savannah. The end of my misery. And that last one... that's the one that worries me.

I hate being miserable. And I've been feeling it more and more, lately. I just wonder if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. For as much as I am trying to enjoy my life right now, nothing is going as planned... and I keep trying to convince myself that I will be fine in the end. But I wonder if I will be if things stay as they are. I'm not living my life the way that I want to live it. I am not the mom that I always wanted to be. I'm not doing the work I wanted to do. I'm not learning the things that I want to learn. And I'm not the wife I always thought that I could be.

So I wonder how to change it. I am already tired of counting down. All I want to to live my life with joy and with purpose. And I want to know that I am doing everything that I can to be the best everything that I can be. I want to stop feeling...trapped.

TRAPPED.

Yes, TRAPPED. That's it. There's the truth. I feel trapped in my life. And I want out.

I want my life back. And I want it all. Selfish? Yes. Necessary? I think so.

Does the Word Procrastination Mean Anything to You?

Yeah, I lied. I said I was going to start writing regularly. That was back in March. Here is it, 4 months later. No new entries. Until now.

So, what's happened since my last entry? My twins turned 4. I can't believe that I'm that much older than I was the day they were born. And hey, I guess that means that they are, too! I kind of forgot that it's important for them, too... Anyway, they had a birthday. Honestly, only 3 months later, I can't even remember their party. Which is weird because I am always excited to throw them birthday parties, and take lots of pictures, and celebrate the onset of a whole new year of their life. But with all of the work hours I have been putting in, and the lack of a camera, I can't even remember my name most days, let alone what I'm doing and who I'm with. Oh, WAIT. I remember. Well, I still don't remember much of the party, but I do remember making their F-ing cakes! I waited until midnight the night before the party to put them in the oven. Then, at around 1am, I ran to Wal-Mart to find something...ANYTHING... to top them with. Yep, there goes that procrastination thing again. I ended up buying Belle a My Little Pony figurine, and Gabby a Tinkerbell figurine, and some minitaure silk flowers. I used the toys as toppers, and used the flowers to accent. They actually turned out beautiful. Cake decorating is one of my talents - I just don't get to use it much. Which is WHY I wanted to make the girls' cakes myself... only I waited until the last minute, so it was more like hell than fun. Oh, and in my haste to get them finished and get my ass in bed, I made the buttercream frosting too milky, so it kind of sagged and ran here and there. But what the hell. They're only 4. But I digress...

This summer seems to be treating me okay. I had a few weeks off from the restaurant which gave me some much-needed R&R. I took some time off from my day job over the 4th of July, too, so I had 5 WHOLE CONSECUTIVE DAYS OFF without having to go into work of any fashion. It was fabulous. I recommend it once in a while...

My birthday came and went. Another year older. For the last time. It was the first of many 29th birthdays. I have declared that I will never turn 30. I will be 29, now, for the rest of my life. Convenient, huh?

Next up is Deborah's b-day. My baby is going to be THREE. *sob* She's not allowed to turn 3. EVER. I have procrastinated (there's that word again!) in putting her big-girl bed up... so she's still in her crib. She loves it in there, so I felt no need to hurry, but it's definately messing with her night potty training, so it's time. I just can't face that she's going to be 3. *sniffle*

So, we decided that since Doobs was getting upgraded, and since Gabby's legs have started to hang off of the side of her bed (they would hang off the end, but that darnned footboard is messing with her!! Damn the man - er - I mean, footboard!), that it was time to face the music that it's time the girls get out of their toddler beds. We have a set of bunk beds for them, but I just didn't want to go there yet. But we have to. So a friend is giving us some new twin mattresses and will be bringing them to D's b-day party in August, and that's when we'll bite the bullet and allow the twins to grow up. I guess if I have to... *stomps foot*

Oh, by the way, Belle gave me a black eye this morning. It's so VERY attractive, believe you me! I can't WAIT to go into work tonight... and let everyone see my gorgeous shiner! *eye roll* I wonder how long it takes for one of the regulars to ask me if my husband beats me. Too funny.

I suppose. Enough rambling. Suffice to say that the procrastination is over - well, as much as it can possibly be in my life - for a little while. I've got new sunshine in my life, and a new resolve. So wish me luck...