UGH, a Countdown.

So, there are many times in life that we count down to certain things. Such as counting down to the weekend. Or counting down to a wedding day, or a birth. Or a retirement. And I think that there are times in life when the countdown begins to define us.

I have begun counting down to a lot of things. And I have never in the past been much of a countdown kind of person. I like to enjoy the life that I live between important or exciting events, rather than allowing it to slip away in the form of a countdown. My last pregnancy may be an exception, but when you are in that much damn pain, I think that it's different. LOL Anyway, so I've found myself counting down to things. The end of my workday. The weekend. My next day off. The next episode of Big Love. My daughter's birthday party. A possible trip to Savannah. The end of my misery. And that last one... that's the one that worries me.

I hate being miserable. And I've been feeling it more and more, lately. I just wonder if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. For as much as I am trying to enjoy my life right now, nothing is going as planned... and I keep trying to convince myself that I will be fine in the end. But I wonder if I will be if things stay as they are. I'm not living my life the way that I want to live it. I am not the mom that I always wanted to be. I'm not doing the work I wanted to do. I'm not learning the things that I want to learn. And I'm not the wife I always thought that I could be.

So I wonder how to change it. I am already tired of counting down. All I want to to live my life with joy and with purpose. And I want to know that I am doing everything that I can to be the best everything that I can be. I want to stop feeling...trapped.

TRAPPED.

Yes, TRAPPED. That's it. There's the truth. I feel trapped in my life. And I want out.

I want my life back. And I want it all. Selfish? Yes. Necessary? I think so.