Pomp and Circumstance

I am so proud of my sister-in-law! She graduated last weekend with her Child Care Certificate and is now back in school already going after her elementary education degree. Honestly, I'm a little jealous... some day I'll finish school... ;)

Oh, as a bonus, here is a picture of me and hubby relaxing before her grad ceremony...

A Chapter Over

Last night when I got home after another long day at work, I went upstairs to the girls' rooms, as I usually do when I get home, to look at the sleeping. It's become a nightly ritual for me lately, as I rarely make it home from work before 10pm, and the girls are always asleep. Yesterday was a particularly hard day, made worse by the fact that my body seems to have begun to shut down from lack of sleep and good meals. By 8pm, my eyes began to blur, and my eyes went on strike and tried to close permanently. I managed to make it to 10:00, and by the time I got home at almost 11, I felt like I was suffering from a sleep hangover - only the misery was from a lack of sleep, rather than an overabundance. So, I trudged up the stairs in the dark, silent house, prepared to turn off tv's, and cover my girls with the blankets that they so often dump off the sides of their beds in their sleep. I went in to the twins' room, noticed with disgust the fact that their room had not been picked up at all, turned off the TV and DVD player which was stuck on the main menu, and stepped over the discarded toys to kiss my girls.

I bent over to pick up Gabby's sheet from the floor, covered her up, and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek. Then, I went over to Belle, pulled her bedspread up over her, and kissed the back of her head. I shoved some toys to the side to make a path in case they had to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Then, I headed to Deborah's room to watch her sleep.

I opened Deborah's door as quietly as possible, and realized that the mess was not contained to just the twins' room. I ignored it and tiptoed over to her crib. Usually she is sprawled out in her crib, all askew, with baby dolls and blankets bunched up, pushed aside, or twisted around her legs. But tonight I saw one eye open lazily, and then the other. She was half sleeping still, but noticed that I was there.

"Hi Mommy", she drawled sleepily, and reached up toward me.

"Hi Baby. Mommy just came in to see you and kiss you goodnight." I reached down to hug her and she grabbed on to me so I was forced to pick her up.

"I love you, Mommy."

"I love you, too, Sweetheart." And with that she closed her eyes, snuggled into my arms and neck even closer, and fell back asleep. I stood there and swayed back and forth, enjoying the smell of her, and the feel of her tiny, warm hands around my neck. I stood there until I felt her breathing become deep and regular, and then put her back down on the mattress. When I let go of her, she half-woke again, and grabbed her baby doll as I covered her up with her sheet and blanket.

"Goodnight, Momma."

"Goodnight, Baby. I'll see you in the morning."

And she rolled over and fell back asleep.

I know she's about to be three, and her babyhood is almost over. But I am going to absorb as much of it as I can before she becomes too big and too independent to be babied. In the meantime, I am mourning the end of a chapter in my life and in hers. I'm sorry that I've missed so much of the plot lately, while I've been away at work. One day things have got to get easier, and more settled. I hope that the next chapter is as wonderful and as sweet as this one has been, and I promise to have more appearances in it.

UGH, a Countdown.

So, there are many times in life that we count down to certain things. Such as counting down to the weekend. Or counting down to a wedding day, or a birth. Or a retirement. And I think that there are times in life when the countdown begins to define us.

I have begun counting down to a lot of things. And I have never in the past been much of a countdown kind of person. I like to enjoy the life that I live between important or exciting events, rather than allowing it to slip away in the form of a countdown. My last pregnancy may be an exception, but when you are in that much damn pain, I think that it's different. LOL Anyway, so I've found myself counting down to things. The end of my workday. The weekend. My next day off. The next episode of Big Love. My daughter's birthday party. A possible trip to Savannah. The end of my misery. And that last one... that's the one that worries me.

I hate being miserable. And I've been feeling it more and more, lately. I just wonder if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. For as much as I am trying to enjoy my life right now, nothing is going as planned... and I keep trying to convince myself that I will be fine in the end. But I wonder if I will be if things stay as they are. I'm not living my life the way that I want to live it. I am not the mom that I always wanted to be. I'm not doing the work I wanted to do. I'm not learning the things that I want to learn. And I'm not the wife I always thought that I could be.

So I wonder how to change it. I am already tired of counting down. All I want to to live my life with joy and with purpose. And I want to know that I am doing everything that I can to be the best everything that I can be. I want to stop feeling...trapped.

TRAPPED.

Yes, TRAPPED. That's it. There's the truth. I feel trapped in my life. And I want out.

I want my life back. And I want it all. Selfish? Yes. Necessary? I think so.

Does the Word Procrastination Mean Anything to You?

Yeah, I lied. I said I was going to start writing regularly. That was back in March. Here is it, 4 months later. No new entries. Until now.

So, what's happened since my last entry? My twins turned 4. I can't believe that I'm that much older than I was the day they were born. And hey, I guess that means that they are, too! I kind of forgot that it's important for them, too... Anyway, they had a birthday. Honestly, only 3 months later, I can't even remember their party. Which is weird because I am always excited to throw them birthday parties, and take lots of pictures, and celebrate the onset of a whole new year of their life. But with all of the work hours I have been putting in, and the lack of a camera, I can't even remember my name most days, let alone what I'm doing and who I'm with. Oh, WAIT. I remember. Well, I still don't remember much of the party, but I do remember making their F-ing cakes! I waited until midnight the night before the party to put them in the oven. Then, at around 1am, I ran to Wal-Mart to find something...ANYTHING... to top them with. Yep, there goes that procrastination thing again. I ended up buying Belle a My Little Pony figurine, and Gabby a Tinkerbell figurine, and some minitaure silk flowers. I used the toys as toppers, and used the flowers to accent. They actually turned out beautiful. Cake decorating is one of my talents - I just don't get to use it much. Which is WHY I wanted to make the girls' cakes myself... only I waited until the last minute, so it was more like hell than fun. Oh, and in my haste to get them finished and get my ass in bed, I made the buttercream frosting too milky, so it kind of sagged and ran here and there. But what the hell. They're only 4. But I digress...

This summer seems to be treating me okay. I had a few weeks off from the restaurant which gave me some much-needed R&R. I took some time off from my day job over the 4th of July, too, so I had 5 WHOLE CONSECUTIVE DAYS OFF without having to go into work of any fashion. It was fabulous. I recommend it once in a while...

My birthday came and went. Another year older. For the last time. It was the first of many 29th birthdays. I have declared that I will never turn 30. I will be 29, now, for the rest of my life. Convenient, huh?

Next up is Deborah's b-day. My baby is going to be THREE. *sob* She's not allowed to turn 3. EVER. I have procrastinated (there's that word again!) in putting her big-girl bed up... so she's still in her crib. She loves it in there, so I felt no need to hurry, but it's definately messing with her night potty training, so it's time. I just can't face that she's going to be 3. *sniffle*

So, we decided that since Doobs was getting upgraded, and since Gabby's legs have started to hang off of the side of her bed (they would hang off the end, but that darnned footboard is messing with her!! Damn the man - er - I mean, footboard!), that it was time to face the music that it's time the girls get out of their toddler beds. We have a set of bunk beds for them, but I just didn't want to go there yet. But we have to. So a friend is giving us some new twin mattresses and will be bringing them to D's b-day party in August, and that's when we'll bite the bullet and allow the twins to grow up. I guess if I have to... *stomps foot*

Oh, by the way, Belle gave me a black eye this morning. It's so VERY attractive, believe you me! I can't WAIT to go into work tonight... and let everyone see my gorgeous shiner! *eye roll* I wonder how long it takes for one of the regulars to ask me if my husband beats me. Too funny.

I suppose. Enough rambling. Suffice to say that the procrastination is over - well, as much as it can possibly be in my life - for a little while. I've got new sunshine in my life, and a new resolve. So wish me luck...

Parental Paranoia

Recently someone posted a debate on a website that I frequent regarding the paranoia of parents. If you would like to read the article, click here. Reading this article really gave me something to think about, and allowed me to examine my own parental paranoia.

I have always been very careful about making sure that my kids are under supervision at all times when they are outside. Now, granted, they are still all under the age of 4, so I think I am simply practicing good parenting. But I have always looked at those kids who roam around the neighborhood unsupervised as delinquents, and at their parents as lazy, bad parents. I have always said that my kids won't be roaming around without me until at least high school. But our desire to live somewhere where our children would be safe, and could roam around outside on their own is the EXACT reason that Rick and I moved to a small town, and far away from the city.

So, I'm thankful that someone posted that article. I think we are too paranoid, and are urged by the media, society, and other parents to be so. I won't be. I will still want to know where my children are at all times, and will exercise reasonable caution, and teach my children to do the same thing. But I will choose to let go of some of the paranoia and allow kids to be kids. I say that we all should challenge ourselves to do the same thing.

Electronics and Those Pesky Little Logistics

Thanks to a totally erratic and undependable daycare provider, I have missed the last two days of work. Add to that a scheduled couple of days off for surgery, and it was time to call in my mom. Mom to the rescue! First off, let me tell you how much I have missed my mother. I got so excited on Monday night when I realized it was just 24 hours before she would be there, that I almost cried. My girls love her, and having her around is just a major comfort for me; sometimes I almost feel as if I can relax and not be an adult anymore. I can slip back into the responsibilitylessness (yes, I made that up) of childhood. Of course, that's not how it happenes, but it's all mental, I think. I've just been so stressed out and totally overwhelmed, that it's just a relief and so joyous to have my mom around, if only for a couple of days.

Anyway, enough about my desire to be a kid again and not deal with life. So my mom has spent plenty of time with my kids since they were born. I have every confidence in her ability to care for them, and to know their schedule and routine to a point. But now that we live 100 miles from her, and don't see her on a daily or weekly basis, there are a lot of little things that go on from day to day that she is not familiar with. For example, I spent about 45 minutes last night getting all of Gabby's stuff ready for school, and explaining when and where the bus picks her up each day, and what she shoudl wear, etc. It seemed rediculous, but it was necessary so that my mom knew what was going on, and so that I felt confident that my daughter would get to school and home with no issues today. I also let my mom know what was in the fridge and cupboards to make for lunch and snacks, and made sure she knew my work phone number in case she needed to call. What I did leave out, stupidly assuming that it needed no explanation, was instruction on how to use the TVs and DVD players. Doh!

I have received two calls from my mom so far today. Both calls have been quesitons on how to use this electronic device, or which channel this device should be on, etc. Things that we take for advantage... that even our almost-four-year-olds know how to work, are NOT totally self-explanatory. Lesson learned.

Giving Back

Tuesday, I was one miserable mommy. I was sick to my stomach, and wanted nothing more than to sleep my miserableness away and forget I existed for just a little while. I couldn't leave work early because we only have one working vehicle at the moment... the car is sickly and we can't afford to fix it. So, I was responsible for picking daddy up from work at the end of the day, and then we could go pick the girls up together. This would have normally made for a very nice night - one where we could spend a lot of time together. But I was so miserable sick, that once I got the girls settled, and dinner on the table, I left daddy with instructions to give the girls a bath and make sure they got to bed on time. Then, I went and layed in bed. The girls would have nothing to do with the fact that daddy was giving them a bath, and that I wasn't playing with them. So I explained that mommy was sick; mommy wasn't feeling well and needed to lay down. But that if they would just allow daddy to give them a bath, they could come lay in bed with me afterwards and watch the Playtime video before heading off to bed. This placated them enough that they went off to the tub without much complaint.

While they were in the tub, I gloriously fell asleep. But I was rudely awakened by one very incessant knock at the door and Deborah yelling, "MOMMMY! MOOOOOMMMMY! LET ME IN!" One of the other girls opened the door and suddenly, I had three little girls cudding up in my bed with me. Belle was on my left side, Deborah was cuddled up on my right, as close to me as she could get without literally crawling inside of my body, and Gabby was on the other side of Deborah. The video began to play and the twins lost themselves in the songs and movement of the TV.

But Deborah, she wanted to take care of me. "Mommy, you sick?"

"Yes, honey, mommy's sick. Mommy just wants to sleep so she can feel better tomorrow so we can all play together."

"I make you feel better, Mommy." And with that, she snuggled in closer, her face inches from my face, and laid her tiny, soft, warm hand on my cheek. Then, she began to rub my face in that gentle, loving way that I do to her when she is tired, or hurt, or sick. She pushed the stray hair from my eyes, and leaned in to kiss my nose, and then my forehead. And, miserable as I was, I knew true happiness in that very moment. It's those moments, when our children give back to us, in ways that we never believe are possible, that we know why God blessed us with children. If I didn't have any, and lived life without experiencing that very moment, I would have missed out on so much joy.

It's all worth it. When we think that we just cannot possibly give any more of ourselves without breaking down, and giving up; when we have put so much into providing for our families, and restrained ourself so valiantly in the face of three simultaneous kicking, screaming, tantrums-- it's these moments of giving back that ground us, and make us KNOW that we would do it all over again without a second thought.

25 minutes later, as the tape ended, all three girls said, "Goodnight, Mommy, I love you", and I had gotten loves from all of them (except for Belle who didn't want to hug me or kiss me in case my sickness spread to her-- have I taught her that well??), they all climbed the stairs with daddy to snuggle in their beds. And I went back to sleep again, to rid myself of my miserableness. Only this time, I fell asleep with a tear of happiness hanging form my lashes, and a smile on my face.

The giving back - it makes it all worth it.

Resolutions... or Revolution. You decide.

It's been a long time since I blogged, but last night, while lying in bad after being wakened by Deborah's cries to fetch her the YELLOW blanket - no, not THAT yellow blanket, the YELLOW blanket - I realized that I may be missing out on a unique opportunity to document your childhoods. I stopped taking pictures about a year or so ago, when our digital camera stopped uploarding to our now defunct computer, and when we got to the point where film for the 35mm was a luxury we just couldn't afford any more, let alone processing. So now, it's just special occassions that get pictures, and even then, the pictures usually come from relatives who are kind enough to share their digital pictures with us. So what's left? Nothing but stories that I manage to forget hours after they happen because I am usually too busy or distracted to remember my own name, let alone yours.

So here's to a new resolution. It doesn't matter to me that this resolution is taking place mid-March. I am proclaiming this my new New Year. In the last few days, I have taken a long, hard look at my life, and I don't like what I see. I feel like I am missing my life. Like it is going by in fast forward, and I am watching it whiz by me. I feel as if I am cheating my husband of a good marriage, and I am cheating my kids of a good mother, and a good childhood. I want you girls to look back on your childhood and remember all of the wonderful memories you have - not all of the things you missed out on. So here goes. A resolution. Maybe a revolution to topple my life as I know it, and replace it with a better one. One worth living.

Wish me luck, girls.